Have you ever had a dream and spent years trying to figure out how to obtain it?

Read books, studied greats and even not so great people who achieved theirs?

Kept positive, stayed focus, never give up, do what you are told to do, and believed? For what? Year after year doing everything you believed was right to achieve what you wanted… only to find it wasn’t enough. You aren’t enough.

Yeah, I’m with you on this… it sucks, no matter what, it’s not ever going to be enough.

Well, at the end of the day, I have what to show for, all I’ve given. Hell, mom spent up her life to get her dream and it wasn’t enough. I walked away from my dream since mom passed. She died in 2017 and I decided it just wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t worth it.

I stopped believing in miracles, magic, love, hope, and myself…Well, here we are in 2019 and damn it,  my dream hasn’t died… I’ve ignored it, pushed it out of my mind, worked overtime at a job I didn’t like, stopped all activities that might remind me of what I wanted. Tried to kill it…

I mean why even try because nothing worked before… but for some stupid reason, that dream in me just wouldn’t die.

Hell, I’ve been soooooo angry I even tried to shut my relationship with God out. I yelled at Him, pushed Him out, ignored Him called my Spiritual Guide names… well you get the picture. I even started drinking more. But the loss, pain, emptiness and loneliness never went away. But neither did my spiritual relationship. Not fully.  Just like my dream. Both stayed with me waiting…So now what? I guess I’ll have to figure it out. And this could very well be the year, place and well… guess we’ll see if there is such a thing as miracles, magic, love.

I’m not holding my breath though, but I’m going to just focus on breathing in and out slowly again… carefully…You, might find it this year too. Keep trudging and breathing.